


River

by writingformadderton



Series: River [1]
Category: Brandon Flynn - Fandom, Rocketman (2019), Taron Egerton - Fandom, jamie bell - Fandom, richard madden - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Blood, Breakup, Christmas, Crying, Fluff, Hurt, M/M, Memories, Mention of blood, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slapping, Therapy, river - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:21:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22281775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingformadderton/pseuds/writingformadderton
Summary: Normally people are happy during Christmas time, but not Richard and Taron. They both are on their own at Christmas for the first time in a while. Everything they see reminds them of the time they had together, the good and bad times. When they bump into each other by accident, both of them get thrown back in time and things get emotional.
Relationships: Madderton - Relationship, Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Series: River [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603804
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	River

**Author's Note:**

> This series is based on Joni Mitchell's song River. It deals with topics of self-harm, a breakup, therapy, a suicide attempt and forgiveness. Please only read it when none of these topics are triggering for you. Stay safe 😘

Taron is actually in a good mood today as he parks the car in front of the grocery store. Christmas is almost here, his favorite holiday. He pulls up the hood of his sweater and gets inside quickly, ignoring the cold completely. The snow has been falling elegantly for a few days now, coating everything in pure white beauty. He gets inside and grabs a basket; the Christmas lights warm his heart.

Richard steps out of the car and shivers, forcing his jacket closer to his body him. The snow is falling heavily, and everything is icy and wet. He steps into the store and sees the Christmas lights. It’s almost here. He thinks back to Taron, who always got excited at this time of year. He smiles, almost allowing himself to fall into a memory. But he catches himself and his smile disappears. Rich sighs and tries to push the thought away. “Don’t think about him.” He tells himself and grabs a basket.

Taron pulls at the sleeves of his jumper a bit, hiding the scars on his wrist and grabs a bottle of milk. Next to him, there is a couple holding hands and joking around. T smiles sadly and watches them. She stands on her toes and he lifts her up to share a small, but intimate kiss. Taron bites his lip and looks away, trying to force his mind to stay focused on the groceries. But all he can think about is standing on his toes, Richard lifting him up and kiss him with his soft lips. He misses when the holidays were full of fun and love like that.

Richard swallows hard when he sees this couple in front of him. He huffs quietly and rubs his face. What the hell was wrong today? Everywhere he goes, everything reminds him of when he was with Taron, the love and passion they shared. The holidays are gonna hurt this year. He starts walking faster and tries not to look at the couple while walking past them. All of his past memories threatening to flood his mind.

Taron looks at the floor and starts walking. He needs to get away from here. But his hurried nature caused him to bump into someone, the force almost making them both fall over. “Oh shit, I’m so sorry.” He speaks and then looks up at the stranger. But he stares into a pair of deep blue eyes he knew all too well and swallows hard. They belonged to the man he planned to spend the rest of his life with. “Richard…”

Rich stands in complete shock and looks into the blueish green puppy eyes that once meant everything to him. “…Taron.”

Taron takes a deep breath and rubs his neck. Come on, say something. His mouth opens, but the words are trapped in his throat. He looks at Richard and thinks back to the good days and all the beautiful moments they had. They were so naive.  
\------  
“Taron, stop!” Richard giggles and tries to stop him from jumping on their king bed. It started snowing outside and now Taron was giddy like a schoolgirl who got asked to prom. Christmas time was his favorite.

“No!” he chuckles and watches his boyfriend getting onto the bed as well.

Richard grabs him by the waist and pulls him close. “You’re only gonna hurt yourself.” he whispers and kisses him softly.

T pulls him down onto the mattress and kisses him passionately. “You’re adorable.” he breathes out and wraps his legs around Richard to keep him close. His fingers run through Richards curls, playing with his signature grey streak.

“Not as adorable as you are.” Rich whispers and looks down at him, his soft blue eyes shining with joy.

“I can’t imagine my future without you anymore. You’ve shown me what it means to be loved. With you, I’m a better person.” Taron tells him and softly strokes over his cheek, staring deeply into those beautiful blue eyes. He could get lost in them for days.

Richard smiles softly and shakes his head. “You are amazing, love.”

“Can you promise me something, Richie?” he asks and kisses him softly. Richard nods and looks at him curiously. Taron’s voice lowers and his whole face softens. He becomes vulnerable within a split second. “Please tell me that nothing will ever tear us apart.” He whispers.

Rich tangles his fingers in Taron’s fluffy hair and sinks into a deep kiss. “I promise.”

T sighs relieved and stares up at the ceiling to look at the Christmas lights hanging. He closes his eyes, happiness filling his body. He kisses his beautiful boyfriend sweetly.  
\--------  
Richard feels his palms getting sweaty and his mind races. Seeing Taron right here in front of him, after all this time, feels like somebody hit him in the face. All of the things he’s seen today that reminded him of the very man in front of him now. He should’ve known. He thinks back to their last Christmas together a year ago. He feels a sadness take over his body as the moment plays back in his brain.  
\--------  
“Taron, stop!” Richard says and holds his hands up, trying to calm him down.

“No!” Taron says and holds the razor in his hand tighter. He walks backwards, away from Richard, and bumps into the cold wall behind him. 

“You’re only gonna hurt yourself.” Richard speaks with worry in his voice. He walks towards him slowly and reaches one hand out for it. Taron shakes his head and fights back his anger, yet tears still sting his eyes. “You’re bleeding on the floor! Stop this now and give it to me.”

Taron looks at the new cuts on his wrists and swallows hard when he looks down at the floor, a trail of blood leading to the bathroom. “Stop trying to fix me.” he chokes out and throws the razor into the sink. He silently accepts defeat, but is still on edge. “You’re bloody annoying and keep on telling me what to do and what not to do. Just go.” he spits out, venom coating his tone.

Richard stands there, tears fill his eyes and he bites his lip. “Taron-.”

“Richard, please.” Taron says and sinks down onto the bathroom floor shaking. Tears stream down his face and he feels anger and sadness boiling up in him. As much as his own words hurt the love of his life, they burn his throat as they left his lips.

Rich walks towards him and crouches down in front of him. “T, let me help.” he hesitantly places his hand on Taron’s knee and tries to comfort him.

Taron shakes his head and pushes him away. “Go.”

Richard looks at him observantly and realizes that Taron is serious. “If I walk through this door now, I’m not coming back.”

Taron groans in frustration. His nerves are shot and his impulses ready to go. “Stop talking for fucks sake!” he shouts and slaps Richard, hard. “Leave me alone. It’s over.”

Richard feels his cheek burning, but he ignores it instead. What hurts most is his shattered heart and the tears burning his eyes. He stands up without saying anything and leaves the apartment.  
\----------  
Richard never came back and Taron didn’t try to get him back. Rich didn’t know which hurt worse, just that he was in constant pain. He struggled majorly with dealing with it all, trying to heal himself. “How are you?” he asks, voice shaking slightly.

“I’m alright.” Taron says and tries to keep eye contact. “How’s about you? You look pretty good. Healthier.”

Richard nods slowly and bites back a laugh. Healthier. As if he was the one that struggled with himself and didn’t want to let anybody help. “I’m good. Therapy helped.” he says and bites his lower lip immediately, feeling regret in his bones. Why the hell did he confess this to Taron? He didn’t need to know. But he was once his everything, it felt natural to talk about his life.

“Therapy, huh? Well, I’m glad you’re better now.” Taron says and nods slowly, pressing his lips together. Hearing that Rich decided to get himself some help is refreshing, but stings Taron slightly knowing he was the cause.

Richard watches him observantly and sees the fresh cuts on his wrists. Rich feels his heartbeat increasing and takes a deep breath to calm himself. “Still doing it.” he speaks just above a whisper. Pictures of Taron cutting his arms open shuffle through his head. All the evenings he broke down crying after doing it, hidden in the bathroom. All the times he stopped him from doing it, wrapping him up in blankets, stopping the bleeding, and getting him away from the cold bathroom floor. He took care of Taron every time and even though it hurt to see him in this state, he did what was best for his boyfriend.

At first Taron doesn’t understand what he means, then he follows his look and sees the scars. “Well, those are your fault.” He says, a blank expression on his features as he keeps his eyes on him.

Richard looks at him, remaining silent and just stands completely still. Hearing this out of his ex-boyfriend’s mouth hurts. How dare he blame him for this? He pushed him away. He presses his lips together and feels his eyes filling with tears.

Taron looks at him and sees the pain in Richard’s eyes. The last time he saw it was the last time he saw Richard in general; after he hit him straight in the face and didn’t even regret it in the moment. Shame rises to the surface. He hurt his love again.

Rich blows the air out of his mouth and folds his arms in front of his chest, as if to protect himself from any more pain. “My fault.” The Scottish man nods slowly and raises his eyebrows. “Funny of you to say that when it was me who tried to stop you from doing it.” Taron shrugs his shoulders, not knowing what to say but not wanting to say anything at all. “It wasn’t me that broke up with you, Taron. Don’t blame me for that.” He chokes out and it feels like a weight lifted off his chest. He finally put it into words.

“Right, it was me, because this with us wasn’t good anymore.” Taron says. “For both of us.” He tries to clean up his statement.

“You know what isn’t good? That you didn’t realize that in the beginning and didn’t try to change something.” He speaks out and watches Taron carefully. His spirit is slowly breaking as this conversation continues. “Five years, Taron.”

Taron frowns and folds his arms in front of his chest. “Excuse me?”

“I cared for you, every damn day for five years. You hurt me over and over again, but I still stayed. I risked my fucking job by not taking any projects that would include working somewhere where I can’t take care of you. I promised you something and I knew I would keep it as long as possible.” Richard shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his face. “If I knew that you would just kick me out one day, I wouldn’t have stayed. What you did to me with that-.” Rich bites his lip as he feels his voice getting shakier and can barely see Taron through the cloudy tears. “You know how hard it was for me to open up to someone and you broke my trust with that stunt you pulled last Christmas.”

Taron swallows and holds back his own tears. He can’t stand to see Rich hurt again, not by his own doing. Against his own pride, he takes a step towards Richard and grabs his hand. “Richard, I did that because I realized my behavior was no good for you. And you…” Taron breathes and squeezes his hand. “Your pure soul trying to help me… it only fed it. I know I hurt you, but I had to do it. For both our sake.”

“After slapping me in the face you suddenly realized something’s wrong?” Richard laughs weakly and shakes his head. He pulls his hand back as if he burned himself.  
“After five years? That’s fucking ridiculous and you still didn’t change anything.”

Taron takes a step back and shakes his head. “I can’t. I don’t want to.”

“Yeah, figured that out as well.” Richard grabs his basket and prepares to walk away from him. If he stayed any longer, he’ll break down in the middle of the store. That was the last thing he needed Taron to see.

Taron grabs his arm, but lets go of it immediately afterwards. “I’m sorry, Rich. I know I hurt you.” He tries to talk to him, keep him around longer. He knows that once Richard leaves this store, he’ll be gone forever. He can’t risk that again.

“You didn’t just hurt me, Taron, you wrecked me.” Richard whispers and feels a single tear rolling down his cheek. He curses quietly at himself and wipes it away, pressing his lips together.

Taron bites his lip and stares into the sad blue eyes of his former lover. “I’m sorry, Richard. Please give me a chance to make it good again.”

Richard looks at him in shock. “What?”

“I miss you.” T admits and his voice sounds vulnerable. It was an impulsive move and he’ll regret it no matter what the answer is. But all he needed in this moment was his boyfriend back.

I miss you too, he thinks. “I…Taron you know we’re gonna fall for each other again and if you still hurt yourself, we’re gonna fall back in the old pattern.” Richard’s voice is shaking heavily now and he feels himself getting dizzy. This wasn’t how he planned this day to go.

“Please give me a chance, Richie.” T says and bites his lip when he the nickname leaves his lips. He gave Richard the name when they were together. “I’m gonna change.” The sentence burned his throat, he knew he couldn’t right now. And that’s what Richard deserves.

Rich takes a sharp breath. “Come to me when you’ve actually changed.” he says as he feels a tear rolling down his cheek. “I can’t do this right now.” He rambles and walks past Taron without saying goodbye. All that he needs is some fresh air, feeling suffocated in the store. As soon as he stands outside, he sucks in the cold air and rushes to his car. He sinks down onto his seat and buries his face in his shaking and sweaty hands. “Okay, easy.” He tells himself and fights the upcoming panic attack.

Taron stands still in the store and slowly walks to the entrance. His grocery items are the farthest things from his mind in this time. He pulls up the hood of his sweater again and walks outside. Tears are streaming down his face and he barely makes it to his car before breaking down sobbing. 

A little while later, Taron sees his reflection in his bathroom mirror and shakes his head. “Don’t do it.” he says and his grip around the razor gets tighter. T turns around panting heavily and sees the spot where he sat and slapped Richard a year ago. He whines, frustrated, and throws the razor in the sink. “You fucking idiot!”

Richard plays with his hands nervously as he sits in the waiting room Susan sent him to. After a short while, he hears Thomas saying goodbye to his current patient. He talks to Susan and comes into the waiting room with a big smile on his face. “Richard, haven’t seen you in a while!”

Rich looks up and nods slowly. “Good to see you.”

Thomas walks up to him and watches him observantly. “You don’t look too good.”

Richard shakes his head and tries to control his shaking voice. “You have some time to talk? If you don’t, it’s okay. I know I should have called before, I….”

“Richard, your last appointment was four months ago because you were making positive progress. It’s okay to stop by when you need me. What happened?” His therapist looks at him concerned and leads him into his room. “I actually have a two-hour window until the next appointment. You came at the perfect time.”

Rich falls down into the seat and rubs his face, trying to hold back the tears. “I…something happened today. Something I was so afraid of.” His voice cracks while a single tear rolls down his face.

“You saw him again.” Thomas says slowly and Rich just nods, unable to say anything.

“I messed it up.” Rich chokes out and can’t hold back his tears anymore. He starts sobbing heavy and Thomas tells him to take his time.

Taron stares at the ceiling as he sits on the floor of his bedroom and lets his tears roll down his face. “I messed it up.”


End file.
